I Have No Friends
At work, that is. Outside of work, I have friends. Which is great. But I spend 40+ hours at work, and would like to have some friends there. It's hard though - there is a solid double yellow line between attorneys and secretaries. So while I have a very lovely working relationship with all of my attorneys and the ones who sit near me, we aren't really friends. And although most of the Grandmas are quite lovely (to me, we'll ignore the fact that they scream at each other), I can only have so many conversations about dried apricots, prunes, cats, weather, and arthritic joints, before I just want someone to talk with about Promiscuities and LC on The Hills.
At one point, I had two friends at work. Then there was a horrible misunderstanding with Friend #1, and we stopped being friends. Basically, she was under stress, interpretted several things I did in an effort to help her in the worst possible way and decided she wanted nothing to do with me, and I decided she wasn't a true friend, because true friends try to see the best in their friends, not the worst. I would like to go back to being friends with her, but although she complimented me on my hair last week, I just don't think it's going to happen. Moving on.
Friend # 2 is ... just not nice. I was talking to a non-work friend about this last night. There are times when she (non-work friend) will tease me, or tell me something I said is ridiculous. But I am confident that when she teases, she still loves me anyway. It's gentle teasing, and if I ever told her I couldn't handle teasing about something, I'm sure she'd tell me I should work on that in therapy, but would never tease me about it again. But Friend # 2 does not tease this way. She just says flat-out mean things. Several times I have walked away from a conversation with her thinking, "Wow. That really hurt my feelings."
Why do I keep talking to her? Because she's pretty much the only person (aside from attorneys) who is within a decade of my age, who also likes to read. She's funny and smart. She's a good person to vent to when LEL is about to make my head explode. But I think I've gotten to the point where I can't overlook the mean things she says anymore.
I grew up being told I was weird, among other negative things. So I'm really sensitive to being told I'm weird. Friend # 2 told me that planning to move to a place where I'll need a roommate in order to pay rent, is weird. Everyone she knows lives by themselves, and I should sell all my extra stuff, so I can live in a smaller place. What extra stuff? I don't have extra stuff. I mean, okay, I have a lot of socks and pajamas, but not THAT many. And, I don't want to live in the Tenderloin where she does. It's like the East New York of San Francisco. Okay, maybe not quite that bad, but still. TONS of people have roommates.
Yesterday, Friend # 2 suggested going to a wannabe Jamba Juice for lunch, since it's close to the office. The place is dirty, they don't do boosts, and I hate their smoothies. So I told her I didn't like their smoothies, and she told me I'm weird. I started to walk away, and then went back. Resisting the urge to be immature and say, "Fuck you; your face is weird" I told her I saw nothing weird about having tried a place, not liking it, and therefore not wanting to go there anymore.
The other day, when we were discussing books, she told me she was going to read Gone With the Wind, because it's a classic.
GY: Just because it's a classic, or because you're interested in the storyline or time period or something?
# 2: It's a classic, don't you read the classics?
GY: If I'm interested. Not just for the sake of them being classics.
# 2: That's weird.
No it's NOT. Just because I'm jewish am I supposed to want to go to Israel? Am I a traitor of NY because I don't watch the Sopranos? Am I weird for being a girl who doesn't like manicures and pedicures?
My friend Brandi tells me everything I could ever want to know about every place in SF that I'm interested in, and will go do touristy things with me, even if she's not all that interested in them. If I were going to buy a laptop, she'd jump at the opportunity to help me buy a Mac.
My friend Beth One makes me laugh, gives good advice, and once brought me a really cool bar of soap.
My friend Dana makes me laugh and think.
My friend Patti answers all my stupid questions in ways that never make me feel more stupid and is great for deep conversations.
My friend Jennifer makes me feel loved, leaves me funny voicemails and has taught me a lot about how to be a good friend, all by example.
Friend # 2? I can't really think of anything like the above, for her. She just makes me feel badly about myself, and defensive. So clearly, I should stop being friends with her, right? Except that ... then I'll have no friends at work, and that will make me feel badly too. But at least I'll have myself respect back, right? Right?
At one point, I had two friends at work. Then there was a horrible misunderstanding with Friend #1, and we stopped being friends. Basically, she was under stress, interpretted several things I did in an effort to help her in the worst possible way and decided she wanted nothing to do with me, and I decided she wasn't a true friend, because true friends try to see the best in their friends, not the worst. I would like to go back to being friends with her, but although she complimented me on my hair last week, I just don't think it's going to happen. Moving on.
Friend # 2 is ... just not nice. I was talking to a non-work friend about this last night. There are times when she (non-work friend) will tease me, or tell me something I said is ridiculous. But I am confident that when she teases, she still loves me anyway. It's gentle teasing, and if I ever told her I couldn't handle teasing about something, I'm sure she'd tell me I should work on that in therapy, but would never tease me about it again. But Friend # 2 does not tease this way. She just says flat-out mean things. Several times I have walked away from a conversation with her thinking, "Wow. That really hurt my feelings."
Why do I keep talking to her? Because she's pretty much the only person (aside from attorneys) who is within a decade of my age, who also likes to read. She's funny and smart. She's a good person to vent to when LEL is about to make my head explode. But I think I've gotten to the point where I can't overlook the mean things she says anymore.
I grew up being told I was weird, among other negative things. So I'm really sensitive to being told I'm weird. Friend # 2 told me that planning to move to a place where I'll need a roommate in order to pay rent, is weird. Everyone she knows lives by themselves, and I should sell all my extra stuff, so I can live in a smaller place. What extra stuff? I don't have extra stuff. I mean, okay, I have a lot of socks and pajamas, but not THAT many. And, I don't want to live in the Tenderloin where she does. It's like the East New York of San Francisco. Okay, maybe not quite that bad, but still. TONS of people have roommates.
Yesterday, Friend # 2 suggested going to a wannabe Jamba Juice for lunch, since it's close to the office. The place is dirty, they don't do boosts, and I hate their smoothies. So I told her I didn't like their smoothies, and she told me I'm weird. I started to walk away, and then went back. Resisting the urge to be immature and say, "Fuck you; your face is weird" I told her I saw nothing weird about having tried a place, not liking it, and therefore not wanting to go there anymore.
The other day, when we were discussing books, she told me she was going to read Gone With the Wind, because it's a classic.
GY: Just because it's a classic, or because you're interested in the storyline or time period or something?
# 2: It's a classic, don't you read the classics?
GY: If I'm interested. Not just for the sake of them being classics.
# 2: That's weird.
No it's NOT. Just because I'm jewish am I supposed to want to go to Israel? Am I a traitor of NY because I don't watch the Sopranos? Am I weird for being a girl who doesn't like manicures and pedicures?
My friend Brandi tells me everything I could ever want to know about every place in SF that I'm interested in, and will go do touristy things with me, even if she's not all that interested in them. If I were going to buy a laptop, she'd jump at the opportunity to help me buy a Mac.
My friend Beth One makes me laugh, gives good advice, and once brought me a really cool bar of soap.
My friend Dana makes me laugh and think.
My friend Patti answers all my stupid questions in ways that never make me feel more stupid and is great for deep conversations.
My friend Jennifer makes me feel loved, leaves me funny voicemails and has taught me a lot about how to be a good friend, all by example.
Friend # 2? I can't really think of anything like the above, for her. She just makes me feel badly about myself, and defensive. So clearly, I should stop being friends with her, right? Except that ... then I'll have no friends at work, and that will make me feel badly too. But at least I'll have myself respect back, right? Right?
posted by Green at 6/22/2006 11:46:00 AM
11 Comments:
Absolutely! Gosh, I don't think you need to consider her your friend, really...I mean, maybe someone to talk to or rant and rave to when you need it, but definitely be careful of your heart. It is really hard not to have someone around during the majority of your waking day that you can talk to/relate to, but it sounds like it is more important to take care of yourself.
Be civil, but you might want to start keeping your distance a little bit from #2. Being called weird might not bug some people, but it drives me bonkers. It might just be a verbal tic of hers, but it would still annoy me. I am not sure what a good response would be. My automatic response of the blank look paired with a 'yeah, and?' doesn't often go over well.
I'm the kind of person that would rather be alone than to have someone around who makes me feel like shit. But maybe like the other commenters before me said, keep your distance, have someone to talk to at work, but just keep it at that.
I think some people use the "you're weird" comment because they don't know what to say when people don't agree with them. Sort of like a nervous response.
You're not weird.
You have quirks, but your quirks make you quite interesting to me. I love hearing your viewpoints on things I don't know about, or things I see in different ways than you. You're intelligent (is Friend #2 threated by that, perhaps?) and you have a sharp sense of humor.
You're not weird. SHE is. You don't need that kind of "friend."
In your place, when approached by Friend#2 I would imagine a heavy iron gate closing around my heart (perhaps with Klaxons sounding ALERT! ALERT!)
If hurtful statements assault your now fortified heart watch them as they bounce harmlessly away, maybe laugh at their pathetic attempts to wound you.
SCOFF AT THEM I SAY!
I know it makes work easier to have at least one person you can consider an ally, but really no friends is better than hurtful friends - I've experienced both.
I gotta ask, though, is it just the "weird" thing or is she a digger, a person who gets her kicks by undermining a person's self-esteem with subtle digs disguised as "friendly advice" and "innocent teasing"? The former is easily fixed - next time she uses that word, say, "Enough 'weird' already, find another word." She might not realize you're sensitive to that one, so a gentle hint might do it. The latter is bad news - run!
For the record, I don't think you're weird, either.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
that's all I do? Jeeeeeeeeez.
;)
I don't think you are weird and I agree with what Sparkling Cipher has to say. I wish I could be a closer-in-proximity-wannabe-jew friend so you could bring me some soup on days like today. =(
okay. yes, you are just he *teensiest* weird for not liking manis and pedis. but i mean that in the most supportive and friendly way. that said, "friends" at work is a dangerous proposition. i have always tried to stay away from being friendly with workmates which is probably why i don't like to work in an office. but as long as you keep it superficial (for me, that involved saying "yes" a lot and agreeing about shit i could have cares less about to keep the convo from progessing) then you can avoid caring about people you don't *choose* to spend your day with, but rather are stuck with so you make do with the personalities you've got. the color-coordinating memos have got to stop, tho. seriously.
I am so offended to be left out of the popularity contest that I shall refrain from commenting.
harunph.
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