"The Beast In Me"
Today was an awful day. I don't know if it was because of the full moon, PMS, or just plain too many bad things happening at once. What I do know is that from about 11 a.m. until a half hour ago, I was both in a rage, and struggling not to cry. I'm exhausted now!
Everything made me furious. The sound of LEL pouring M&Ms into her little bowl. The fact that my outfit didn't look the way I thought it would but didn't have time to change before work. When a co-worker reminded me we're supposed to have lunch tomorrow and I realized I'd forgotten. The noise the Office Services people were making while I was making copies. The rudeness of the traffic lights to not be green in my favor. When the guy bumped into my bag as I was on my way home. How much mail was in my mailbox.
I hate when I'm like that. I hate feeling out of control of my own behavior. I hate feeling myself glaring at people I normally like. I hate when I prepare the wrong document by accident and then convince myself I'm getting fired. I hate that seeing both my bosses in a closed door meeting makes me feel sure the firing is today. I hate that when the Cowboy left early today I immediately thought it was because he didn't want to be around when HR fired me. I didn't get fired today (though I also couldn't make myself ask for the April time off).
I couldn't concentrate on anything today. It took Herculean efforts to speak without cursing. I had to come home on my lunch hour to cry. I could not pull my shit together to calm down and focus. The only option was to keep my head down, keep quiet, try to just get through the afternoon saying as little as possible, and keep a mental list of every person I pissed off, so I'd know who needed an apology when it blew over.
The rage has calmed down now, and the beast has quieted inside me.
Everything made me furious. The sound of LEL pouring M&Ms into her little bowl. The fact that my outfit didn't look the way I thought it would but didn't have time to change before work. When a co-worker reminded me we're supposed to have lunch tomorrow and I realized I'd forgotten. The noise the Office Services people were making while I was making copies. The rudeness of the traffic lights to not be green in my favor. When the guy bumped into my bag as I was on my way home. How much mail was in my mailbox.
I hate when I'm like that. I hate feeling out of control of my own behavior. I hate feeling myself glaring at people I normally like. I hate when I prepare the wrong document by accident and then convince myself I'm getting fired. I hate that seeing both my bosses in a closed door meeting makes me feel sure the firing is today. I hate that when the Cowboy left early today I immediately thought it was because he didn't want to be around when HR fired me. I didn't get fired today (though I also couldn't make myself ask for the April time off).
I couldn't concentrate on anything today. It took Herculean efforts to speak without cursing. I had to come home on my lunch hour to cry. I could not pull my shit together to calm down and focus. The only option was to keep my head down, keep quiet, try to just get through the afternoon saying as little as possible, and keep a mental list of every person I pissed off, so I'd know who needed an apology when it blew over.
The rage has calmed down now, and the beast has quieted inside me.
The beast in me
Is caged by frail and fragile bonds
Restless by day
And by night, rants and rages at the stars
God help, the beast in me
The beast in me
Has had to learn to live with pain
And how to shelter from the rain
And in the twinkling of an eye
Might have to be restrained
God help the beast in me
Sometimes
It tries to kid me that it's just a teddy bear
Or even somehow managed
To vanish in the airAnd that is when I must beware
Of the beast in me
That everybody knows
They've seen him out dressed in my clothes
Patently unclearIf it's New York or New Year
God help the beast in me
The beast in me
--by Nick Lowe, Beast In Me
posted by Green at 2/09/2006 08:00:00 PM
2 Comments:
Hi Green,
Just found your blog through Opinionista. You're in my favourite list now ^_^
Anyway, hope you're feeling fine now. Take care there! Have a great weekend!
Cheers,
Applegreen
You write well. I also found you via Opinionistas. I was really sickened at the way you stated that lawyers treat you. I went to law school, but I was also a legal secretary before law school, so I can completely relate to the experience. You are very well-spoken about it. I like that. It made me nauseous to think that some people can treat their key partners-in-crime so shittily. It really made me hate the fact that I went to law school. And reaffirmed my hatred for the arrogance of the profession.
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