All You Need Is Love
A couple of days ago I went to a friend's house to do her a favor for a few hours. I had never been to her house before. She had alluded to being poor a few times. I knew she gets government assistance. I have always tried to be careful about what I said to her and in front of her, that I am careful about what I suggest we do when we get together. I have complained that my apartment is small, simply because it is smaller than the one I recently moved from. She has told me I am wrong - it is big, and I don't know from small.
I am not rich. I was raised in an upper middle-class area on Long Island, NY, living in the poorer section of the town. When everyone got leather Keds with rhinestones, I just got the leather Keds. While everyone else went to Florida for three-day weekends, I went to Queens, NY. Other kids got cars when they got their driver's licenses - not brand new Audi's (ok, SOME did), but the older family car and then the parents bought themselves a new Audi. I was sometimes allowed to drive my mom's Volvo that was bought in the 80's. My allowance never got higher than $3 a week, and it stopped when I was 14. Other kids got $20 per week, plus their parents gave them money each time they were going out with friends. So you see, in the world I came from, I was never rich.
However, this friend's home shocked me. It is SMALL. When I looked out the window, I saw drug dealers. Her kitchen is tiny. Her oven is tiny. There is no table for her to eat her food at. The only door within the whole apartment is for the bathroom, which only has a shower stall, and not a bathtub.
What killed me more than anything was the toys. You see, this friend has a child. I have been in many, many homes where children live. Never have I seen a home where a child has only a total of three baskets of toys. This child is too young to know what she has or doesn't have. All she knows is that her mommy loves her, is always nearby and will always answer her many questions. This child is advanced for her age despite all that she does not have.
My friend did not plan to have a child. She is the epitome of rolling with the punches and making the best of a situation. Despite what is conventionally done, and what is pushed on her by case workers in charge of how much welfare she gets and society in general, she is doing what she thinks is best for her little family. Most people in her financial situation would and do jump at the opportunity to have the government pay for childcare so they could get a job outside the home. My friend does not agree. She has advanced degrees that allow her to work from home. She purposely chooses to work only a little so she can spend quality time with her child. She has told me how she has to explain to her various case workers over and over how she just wants to spend time with her child, how she's spent years paying into the system and now wants to use it for just a few years, so she can raise her child with her own values and morals, instead of having the government pay somebody else to do it for her, while she works at some mediocre job that a high school student would love. It really makes sense to me.
People talk about welfare recipients abusing the system. Not this girl. She really IS spending quality time with her child. It shows. It really, really shows. She should be very proud of herself. In a conversation one time, I said that her child was very smart. Quite sincerely, she thanked me, saying it was nice to hear that from someone other than her mother. She is exactly who welfare is for.
When I saw her home something clicked in my brain. I had noticed a few weeks earlier that each time I got together with this friend, it was always for several hours. Never a two hour lunch, but a seven to 11 hour day spend outside or going places or at my house. Once when we were walking towards home she asked me what time it was. "Only 6pm?" At the time, I thought nothing of it, other than maybe she wasn't a good judge of time for that day. After seeing where she lived, I had to wonder if she spends so much time OUT, because she doesn't want to be IN, at home. I don't know what her mindset is, and we're not that close that I'd feel right asking, but I would be depressed if I spent too much time there.
I cannot say anything to my friend about how impressed I am - because I would cry. But she should know, and she should keep doing what she's doing, because it's working.
You hear people say that money is not everything, but this is money not being everything in action. I am humbled.
I am not rich. I was raised in an upper middle-class area on Long Island, NY, living in the poorer section of the town. When everyone got leather Keds with rhinestones, I just got the leather Keds. While everyone else went to Florida for three-day weekends, I went to Queens, NY. Other kids got cars when they got their driver's licenses - not brand new Audi's (ok, SOME did), but the older family car and then the parents bought themselves a new Audi. I was sometimes allowed to drive my mom's Volvo that was bought in the 80's. My allowance never got higher than $3 a week, and it stopped when I was 14. Other kids got $20 per week, plus their parents gave them money each time they were going out with friends. So you see, in the world I came from, I was never rich.
However, this friend's home shocked me. It is SMALL. When I looked out the window, I saw drug dealers. Her kitchen is tiny. Her oven is tiny. There is no table for her to eat her food at. The only door within the whole apartment is for the bathroom, which only has a shower stall, and not a bathtub.
What killed me more than anything was the toys. You see, this friend has a child. I have been in many, many homes where children live. Never have I seen a home where a child has only a total of three baskets of toys. This child is too young to know what she has or doesn't have. All she knows is that her mommy loves her, is always nearby and will always answer her many questions. This child is advanced for her age despite all that she does not have.
My friend did not plan to have a child. She is the epitome of rolling with the punches and making the best of a situation. Despite what is conventionally done, and what is pushed on her by case workers in charge of how much welfare she gets and society in general, she is doing what she thinks is best for her little family. Most people in her financial situation would and do jump at the opportunity to have the government pay for childcare so they could get a job outside the home. My friend does not agree. She has advanced degrees that allow her to work from home. She purposely chooses to work only a little so she can spend quality time with her child. She has told me how she has to explain to her various case workers over and over how she just wants to spend time with her child, how she's spent years paying into the system and now wants to use it for just a few years, so she can raise her child with her own values and morals, instead of having the government pay somebody else to do it for her, while she works at some mediocre job that a high school student would love. It really makes sense to me.
People talk about welfare recipients abusing the system. Not this girl. She really IS spending quality time with her child. It shows. It really, really shows. She should be very proud of herself. In a conversation one time, I said that her child was very smart. Quite sincerely, she thanked me, saying it was nice to hear that from someone other than her mother. She is exactly who welfare is for.
When I saw her home something clicked in my brain. I had noticed a few weeks earlier that each time I got together with this friend, it was always for several hours. Never a two hour lunch, but a seven to 11 hour day spend outside or going places or at my house. Once when we were walking towards home she asked me what time it was. "Only 6pm?" At the time, I thought nothing of it, other than maybe she wasn't a good judge of time for that day. After seeing where she lived, I had to wonder if she spends so much time OUT, because she doesn't want to be IN, at home. I don't know what her mindset is, and we're not that close that I'd feel right asking, but I would be depressed if I spent too much time there.
I cannot say anything to my friend about how impressed I am - because I would cry. But she should know, and she should keep doing what she's doing, because it's working.
You hear people say that money is not everything, but this is money not being everything in action. I am humbled.
posted by Green at 11/22/2004 12:29:00 AM
2 Comments:
Although this post is 2+ years old, it is still valid, poignant, beautiful and needed. I'm glad you wrote it, and I hope your friend and her kid, 2+ years on are still thriving on small means and love.
I agree with Jennie, and now this post is six years old and still valid, poignant, beautiful and needed. Did you ever tell your friend? How are they now?
Charlene
http://lifedramatic.blogspot.com
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