Where Are You?
I could add to this, or I could just let it all spill out here. Since I haven't blogged in a while, we'll go with here. Here's where I am.
For the first time this year, on Thursday and Friday I worked. That'll get it's own blog post, because it was just that juicy. I'll just say now that I hate the way the firm is run, but if they had any job openings I'd apply faster than you can say "lawsuit" because there are no coins in my can to shake as people walk by.
My lease ends in July. Looking online, I saw that my apartment complex is advertising apartments just like mine for $500 less than I pay. On Friday evening, 9am told me commuting to San Mateo isn't working out for him, and he's moving out by March 1st. Each month I barely scrape together my rent of $1700 (oh yeah, that's right). So there's no way I can afford to pay both my rent AND his rent come March 1st.
You want to tell me to break my lease, and just move out now, I know. But I can't afford to move. To hire movers. And despite having more friends here than I did in Florida and New York, I don't have friends who would help me move. Just people who are friendly enough to say, "Wow, yeah moving sucks, good luck!" I can't afford a security deposit - the one I gave here was only for $99 because they were running a special. Plus, what landlord would rent to someone who has no income?
What about unemployment? Well, that runs out in about 11 weeks. Unless Obama's stimulus thing is going to stimulate unemployment benefits within the next two and a half months.
So as of March 1, I can't afford to live here. But I can't afford to move. I have nowhere to go. Oh wait. Except. Except that Friday night (I know, it's quite the exciting life) while on the phone with my parents, they said I am welcome to move in with them. In Florida. Land of Humidity.
You may see how desperate things are that I am considering this (no offense, Mom & Dad). I had a lot of questions. How would things work? How much rent would I have to pay you? Would you be treating me like your child or like a roommate who you just happen to know very well? How long do you intend for this to be? My parents had no answers. My father suggested I write out all my questions and e-mail them so he and my mother can discuss and present a united front.
I love living in San Francisco. As much as I complain about it, I love it. I've made better friends here than I've ever had in my life. I love that I went from not really "getting" why gay people were gay at all, to getting all teary when talking about why gay rights are so important. I love the Farmer's Market, even though I haven't gone in over a year. I love that (extremely) slowly, the bus lines are coming together for me. I love that I'm almost ready to buy clothing in a used clothing store. I love living in a city where you can meet up with a friend, go hiking, and come out of the woods to find yourself overlooking the Pacific Ocean.
And I don't care - I'd give it all up in a heartbeat. Really, I'd walk away from it and go South. I can always move back here later. I could deal with frizzy hair again, rain every afternoon, being surrounded by capri pants, and living in Jeb Bush Land.
Could I deal with being stranded in a house with my mother in the suburbs all day, every day? Could I deal with being asked where I'm going by my mother every time I get up from a chair? Could I deal with having to be present for my parent's fighting?
Yes. I do. Because I'd have to. What I'm not sure I could deal with is living there and having just as hard a time trying to get a job there as I'm having here. That is my biggest hesitation in saying I'm moving back to Florida. Sure, I wouldn't be paying $1700 in rent. I'll have stopped going as far into debt as fast as I am now.
I am severely depressed right now. My room is a wreck. Right now, on my bed there are two messenger bags, a towel, a sweater, a makeup case, a copy of a timesheet, a scarf, and me. There's a huge mess of papers and magazines on the floor that I can't seem to sort through. There's a stack of books to be donated to the library on the floor. I am having trouble eating. Not just because I have become permanently nauseous as of a few months ago. But I keep getting paralyzed by indecision and can't plan which meals to eat when in order to keep food from going bad. The battery on my watch died. I'm wearing it anyway, because I feel naked without a watch.
I flit around my apartment unable to tackle any one issue, overwhelmed by how many there are. I need someone to swoop in and fix it all, but there is noone. I have nobody. Each day last week I meant to go to the library. I never went. Why? Couldn't say.
Meanwhile everyone around me keeps moving forward. Planning and going on vacations. Buying new gadgets, new clothes, new whatevers. "What do you mean, you've never been to Tahoe?" they ask me. "Well where do you go for vacation?" I go to New York for open heart surgery, or Florida for a 90th birthday party for a man who will die three months later.
So I sit, looking out my window at the rain, waiting for somebody to tell me what to do, since apparently I can't make any good decisions, as all of mine have gotten me to this point.
For the first time this year, on Thursday and Friday I worked. That'll get it's own blog post, because it was just that juicy. I'll just say now that I hate the way the firm is run, but if they had any job openings I'd apply faster than you can say "lawsuit" because there are no coins in my can to shake as people walk by.
My lease ends in July. Looking online, I saw that my apartment complex is advertising apartments just like mine for $500 less than I pay. On Friday evening, 9am told me commuting to San Mateo isn't working out for him, and he's moving out by March 1st. Each month I barely scrape together my rent of $1700 (oh yeah, that's right). So there's no way I can afford to pay both my rent AND his rent come March 1st.
You want to tell me to break my lease, and just move out now, I know. But I can't afford to move. To hire movers. And despite having more friends here than I did in Florida and New York, I don't have friends who would help me move. Just people who are friendly enough to say, "Wow, yeah moving sucks, good luck!" I can't afford a security deposit - the one I gave here was only for $99 because they were running a special. Plus, what landlord would rent to someone who has no income?
What about unemployment? Well, that runs out in about 11 weeks. Unless Obama's stimulus thing is going to stimulate unemployment benefits within the next two and a half months.
So as of March 1, I can't afford to live here. But I can't afford to move. I have nowhere to go. Oh wait. Except. Except that Friday night (I know, it's quite the exciting life) while on the phone with my parents, they said I am welcome to move in with them. In Florida. Land of Humidity.
You may see how desperate things are that I am considering this (no offense, Mom & Dad). I had a lot of questions. How would things work? How much rent would I have to pay you? Would you be treating me like your child or like a roommate who you just happen to know very well? How long do you intend for this to be? My parents had no answers. My father suggested I write out all my questions and e-mail them so he and my mother can discuss and present a united front.
I love living in San Francisco. As much as I complain about it, I love it. I've made better friends here than I've ever had in my life. I love that I went from not really "getting" why gay people were gay at all, to getting all teary when talking about why gay rights are so important. I love the Farmer's Market, even though I haven't gone in over a year. I love that (extremely) slowly, the bus lines are coming together for me. I love that I'm almost ready to buy clothing in a used clothing store. I love living in a city where you can meet up with a friend, go hiking, and come out of the woods to find yourself overlooking the Pacific Ocean.
And I don't care - I'd give it all up in a heartbeat. Really, I'd walk away from it and go South. I can always move back here later. I could deal with frizzy hair again, rain every afternoon, being surrounded by capri pants, and living in Jeb Bush Land.
Could I deal with being stranded in a house with my mother in the suburbs all day, every day? Could I deal with being asked where I'm going by my mother every time I get up from a chair? Could I deal with having to be present for my parent's fighting?
Yes. I do. Because I'd have to. What I'm not sure I could deal with is living there and having just as hard a time trying to get a job there as I'm having here. That is my biggest hesitation in saying I'm moving back to Florida. Sure, I wouldn't be paying $1700 in rent. I'll have stopped going as far into debt as fast as I am now.
I am severely depressed right now. My room is a wreck. Right now, on my bed there are two messenger bags, a towel, a sweater, a makeup case, a copy of a timesheet, a scarf, and me. There's a huge mess of papers and magazines on the floor that I can't seem to sort through. There's a stack of books to be donated to the library on the floor. I am having trouble eating. Not just because I have become permanently nauseous as of a few months ago. But I keep getting paralyzed by indecision and can't plan which meals to eat when in order to keep food from going bad. The battery on my watch died. I'm wearing it anyway, because I feel naked without a watch.
I flit around my apartment unable to tackle any one issue, overwhelmed by how many there are. I need someone to swoop in and fix it all, but there is noone. I have nobody. Each day last week I meant to go to the library. I never went. Why? Couldn't say.
Meanwhile everyone around me keeps moving forward. Planning and going on vacations. Buying new gadgets, new clothes, new whatevers. "What do you mean, you've never been to Tahoe?" they ask me. "Well where do you go for vacation?" I go to New York for open heart surgery, or Florida for a 90th birthday party for a man who will die three months later.
So I sit, looking out my window at the rain, waiting for somebody to tell me what to do, since apparently I can't make any good decisions, as all of mine have gotten me to this point.
Labels: Cash Flow, City Livin, Florida, Overthinking, Parental Unit, Personally
posted by Green at 2/15/2009 03:00:00 PM
14 Comments:
would your parents or brother lend you money for movers? you could move somewhere temporarily for way less than $1700. that way you could spend more time looking for jobs (in both florida and the bay area) without actually making the big move until you've got a job lined up. also, have you priced movers on craigslist? i'm thinking "college student + truck = cheaper move". also, drop me a line if you want me to ask people to help you move. if you rented a truck i could help find people to move your stuff into and out of it.
That is an awful lot of stress. I'm so sorry.
Oh, Green, I am so glad your parents have come through with an offer for you. Even if you don't end up moving there, it must be nice to know they care enough to offer to help.
As for what to do next, when I get paralyzed with stress and indecision, I sometimes find it helpful to make a list of everything I need to do. Then, I either just start at the top and work my way down, or if that seems too daunting, I close my eyes and point, and do whatever my finger lands on. I aim for 3 a day. If that motivates me enough to do more, great. If not, well, at least I got 3 things done.
Try it and see if it helps you, too.
Good luck. And I'm glad you got at least 2 days of work in!
There is a bright side to everything. One bright side to this is that if you moved to Florida you would not be friendless. You have me. I was in your exact situation some years ago. The last thing I wanted in the entire world was to move back to Florida to live with my crazy ass family, but I did it. Then I had to work in a flippin' strip club (as a hostess) to pay my legal bills. It sucked. I was severely depressed. I had no friends. Slowly, it all got better. It really did. I learned to bloom where I was planted. I still am. Everything is going to be ok. It really is.
I hate that it's this hard. Doing everything you can and still having it be this impossible, well, shit.
xo
I'm on a similar place right now, being forced to move back home. However (and I know this is cliche), look at it in the sense that at least you have some kind of family/house to fall back on. You're not alone and you just need some time to get back on track. Do what you need to do, and know that it's all a temporary inconvenience in the large scale of things.
Good luck.
just a little tip for job seekers out there in this crap market- the federal government is still hiring. www.usajobs.gov shows 18,963 current federal openings in San Francisco alone....
or there are jobs in Florida as well. And the government definitely has need for legal support.
Yo, I will totally help you move, if you find somewhere cheaper in SF. And help out with a security deposit if you need it. You aren't alone out here.
yaozers, that is a high rent. p.s. I will TOTALLY help you move so yeah, if you do, let me know. You know my email/twitter/etc. Oh, and I can drag my husband to help me, too... he will probably be more useful since he has those huge muscles and all.. oh and I could probably also ask a bunch of my church folks to come help too! =) Hang in there but yeah, nice of your parents to offer.
wow, green you sound very depresssed and on the edge of break down.
Thank God you have wonderful parents who love you and are there to help you.
We all need help sometime in our lives, this is your cross roads.
Look at it in a positive light, you can revamp your life, take a breath at your parents house.
I understand you can only take soooo much of your parents, which is good because you will be super motivated to get back on your feet.
Take their generous offer and get the heck out of there, your just spinning your wheels, you know what you have to do...
You can use this to opporunity to make you stronger.
I wanted to swoop in but Minnesota was not appealing to you.
I found this great hair product that works wonders for frizz. Some serum or another...
So, shall we set a coffee date for... hm, sometime in July? August?
You want to do sleepovers when Nahmja goes out of town once in a while?
Hi, Green,
It sounds very tough. I can't help you move since I'm pregnant but I can help you take those books over to the library. And I can also help you sort out the fridge and replace that battery. Sometimes everything feels overwhelming -- and I don't think you can force yourself out of that feeling. A good walk sometimes helps me. Let me know if I can help you with some of the little things...
Wait. You have been unemplyed for months and paying 1700 to live with a roommate who annoys the hell out of you!? I don't know why you stayed so long... NO place is worth that amount of stress and hardship.
Honey, move to the east bay! Do not be stubborn, do not wait another month if it's the only way you can stay "here." You can find a housemate for 6-800, a studio or 1br for about 1100. Since it will be about 600-1000 LESS than what you might pay next month, use that to hire movers and get a monthly bart pass which will get you to all your jobs in the fin. district. Tell your current lld that you will help him search for a replacement tenant or find a subletter. Many places around me are offering specials on first months, no fees and can negotiate on deposits. The landlords are desperate here, too! Start looking NOW. There is hope on the other side... of a bridge, rather than a continent.
I would TOTALLY help you move, woman, and you know it. I would even make sure that we secured a truck or a van from one of my friends because I know a few that have them for band-type stuff. And I would help you pack, too... shit, I helped you unpack into the place you're in now! Because I fucking love you. Yeesh. You don't need movers.
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