And Then I Cried
I may have mildly touched on this before, or not – I can’t remember. But, I have a huge doctor phobia.
Not for other people, just for myself. I’m fascinated by medicine, believe in its healing powers, ask great medical questions, and can be an excellent source of support to others facing their own medical crisis. If you’re considering surgery, I’m the person you want in the surgeon’s office with you holding your hand. But when it comes to me? Fuck no. This will be my first doctor's visit this year. In 2006, I went to an eye doctor, and a clinic connected with a medical school when I was having trouble breathing. In 2005, I also went to an eye doctor, who fired me (because I asked too many questions, not understanding the health insurance).
I come from a background of logic, psychology and analyzing, so of course I’ve wondered where this comes from. The answer is, a combination of places.
1. You know how when you’re little, and about to get a shot and a doctor tells you it will barely hurt? Yeah those doctors are fucking liars – it hurts a LOT. I think I combined the emotional hurt of having been lied to with the physical pain.
2. Different people have different levels of tolerance and I think I used to have a low pain tolerance. These days? I’d whip off my shirt for a spinal tap if you offered me $1,000 and a highly skilled neurologist.
3. When I was 18 and couldn’t walk, one of the many tests done on me was an EMG. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever felt in my entire life. The whole experience was awful. Want to hear why? Okay!
The doctor was over an hour late for the appointment. Busy tending to a medical emergency? Nope, just late coming back from a leisurely lunch. Bitch. This was a very big deal, being an hour late. Because I was in constant, excruciating pain, I lived and died by my heavy pain killers, taken religiously every four hours. Being an hour behind schedule meant that I might not get my pain killer on time. Considering the fact that sometimes my pain killers didn’t even TOUCH my pain, let alone push it away for four hours, you can see why I would be anxious about missing them.
Okay so she’s late. Whatever. I’ve never met this woman before in my life, and my dad takes me into the exam room. The doctor tells me to get on the exam table. Okay lady? I CAN’T WALK. Not only can’t I walk (hence the stretcher I rolled in on), I can’t stand. She didn’t believe me.”Stand her up,” she told my dad. Even HE told her I couldn’t do that. We knew this – my father had tried to hold me upright, and not only did I scream uncontrollably in pain, but I also crumbled to the floor, partially because I’d lost all muscle tone, and partially from the pain.
My father got me on the exam table somehow. And then, I’m not sure how it came to be, but I was alone in the room with the doctor. She was talking to me, and I got a bad feeling. I didn’t really know exactly what an EMG was – when my other doctor said he was going to send me for one and I asked, he brushed me off, saying she’d explain it to me. So I asked her, and she brushed me off too.
In that moment, had I been able to walk, I’d have run out of there. Hell, had I been able to get off the table I’d have army-crawled out of there. I immediately asked her to get my father. I used the word “please.” AND SHE SAID NO. She told me not to be difficult, and that, “You seem like a good, god-fearing child.” Okay bitch, I’m JEWISH. I was not raised to fear God. And can’t “good, god-fearing children” get scared and want support? For those of you wondering, the doctor was Indian.
An EMG is so painful, that I equate it with Nazi torture (on a lower level). It hurt me so badly, that when the doctor asked me to confirm that it was just one leg I was having a problem with, I LIED AND SAID YES. I will never have an EMG again, unless I am knocked out for it. It’s so painful that even after it’s over, there are aftershocks. Literally, shocks.
Speaking of shock, I am shocked to find this site, which basically says that it's not as bad as people think it will be. It was so much worse than the spinal tap. However, in all fairness I will say that the neurologist who performed the spinal explained it to me in such great detail that to this day I think if I watched one, I'd feel ready to do one on somebody else. If you ask my parents, they'll tell you that I kept saying after it was over, "It was exactly like she said it would be!"
I have been told the procedure for an EMG has been changed since 1995. I don’t trust that. Anyway.
So yesterday I decided that since I’ll be health insuranceless soon, I should get my health in order. With Nice Partner out of town for depositions, it was the perfect time to spend an afternoon making phone calls. There are some things that my learning disabilities don’t touch. The issue just doesn’t arise. Doctors and health insurance unfortunately don’t fall into that category.
Ever since I got slammed with a huge medical bill in Florida, for going to a cardiologist who wasn’t covered by insurance, I’m always very careful about who I’ll go to. Aside from my doctor phobias, there's another reason I seldom go to the doctor - I get lost easily. Just this afternoon my roommate gave me an address with the cross-streets. I looked it up on the map, hopped on the bus, and proceeded to get so lost that I ultimately had to take a cab, only to find out the place was around the corner from the hair salon I use.
You might think I should just take a cab any time I'm going somewhere, but I spend $45 on a fast pass dammit, and I want to get my money's worth! Plus, if I don't try, I'll never learn (my mother is beaming right now, because I wrote that).
I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that I had to ask the health insurance representative if she’d mind if I conferenced in my brother to help us, because she couldn’t help me, and I needed help. My brother found two doctors that sounded good. I wound up with an appointment for next Monday with a doctor in Union Square who went to Stanford undergrad and to medical school at UCLA. This is new for me. Has anyone else been able to get a first appointment so quickly? I assumed that they’d have no openings before July 4th.
After hanging up the phone with my brother to tell him that his hard work (okay hard for me, not so hard for other people) resulted in an appointment, I really wanted to cry. And take a nap. I know I’ll cry the morning of my doctor’s appointment. And possibly while I’m meeting with the doctor. And then, one last time, with relief when it’s all over. When I got back to my desk (I had gone into an empty office to privately deal with this doctor shit, knowing my tendency to cry) and resumed working, my left hand was actually shaking.
I’m never jealous of my friends who are in relationships. Except when I realize they always have somebody who would hold their hand at the doctor’s office if they needed it.
Honestly, if I didn’t know that I could get through a spinal tap so gracefully, I’d really hate myself over this fear of doctors crap. Umm ... anyone free Monday to hold my hand?
Not for other people, just for myself. I’m fascinated by medicine, believe in its healing powers, ask great medical questions, and can be an excellent source of support to others facing their own medical crisis. If you’re considering surgery, I’m the person you want in the surgeon’s office with you holding your hand. But when it comes to me? Fuck no. This will be my first doctor's visit this year. In 2006, I went to an eye doctor, and a clinic connected with a medical school when I was having trouble breathing. In 2005, I also went to an eye doctor, who fired me (because I asked too many questions, not understanding the health insurance).
I come from a background of logic, psychology and analyzing, so of course I’ve wondered where this comes from. The answer is, a combination of places.
1. You know how when you’re little, and about to get a shot and a doctor tells you it will barely hurt? Yeah those doctors are fucking liars – it hurts a LOT. I think I combined the emotional hurt of having been lied to with the physical pain.
2. Different people have different levels of tolerance and I think I used to have a low pain tolerance. These days? I’d whip off my shirt for a spinal tap if you offered me $1,000 and a highly skilled neurologist.
3. When I was 18 and couldn’t walk, one of the many tests done on me was an EMG. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever felt in my entire life. The whole experience was awful. Want to hear why? Okay!
The doctor was over an hour late for the appointment. Busy tending to a medical emergency? Nope, just late coming back from a leisurely lunch. Bitch. This was a very big deal, being an hour late. Because I was in constant, excruciating pain, I lived and died by my heavy pain killers, taken religiously every four hours. Being an hour behind schedule meant that I might not get my pain killer on time. Considering the fact that sometimes my pain killers didn’t even TOUCH my pain, let alone push it away for four hours, you can see why I would be anxious about missing them.
Okay so she’s late. Whatever. I’ve never met this woman before in my life, and my dad takes me into the exam room. The doctor tells me to get on the exam table. Okay lady? I CAN’T WALK. Not only can’t I walk (hence the stretcher I rolled in on), I can’t stand. She didn’t believe me.”Stand her up,” she told my dad. Even HE told her I couldn’t do that. We knew this – my father had tried to hold me upright, and not only did I scream uncontrollably in pain, but I also crumbled to the floor, partially because I’d lost all muscle tone, and partially from the pain.
My father got me on the exam table somehow. And then, I’m not sure how it came to be, but I was alone in the room with the doctor. She was talking to me, and I got a bad feeling. I didn’t really know exactly what an EMG was – when my other doctor said he was going to send me for one and I asked, he brushed me off, saying she’d explain it to me. So I asked her, and she brushed me off too.
In that moment, had I been able to walk, I’d have run out of there. Hell, had I been able to get off the table I’d have army-crawled out of there. I immediately asked her to get my father. I used the word “please.” AND SHE SAID NO. She told me not to be difficult, and that, “You seem like a good, god-fearing child.” Okay bitch, I’m JEWISH. I was not raised to fear God. And can’t “good, god-fearing children” get scared and want support? For those of you wondering, the doctor was Indian.
An EMG is so painful, that I equate it with Nazi torture (on a lower level). It hurt me so badly, that when the doctor asked me to confirm that it was just one leg I was having a problem with, I LIED AND SAID YES. I will never have an EMG again, unless I am knocked out for it. It’s so painful that even after it’s over, there are aftershocks. Literally, shocks.
Speaking of shock, I am shocked to find this site, which basically says that it's not as bad as people think it will be. It was so much worse than the spinal tap. However, in all fairness I will say that the neurologist who performed the spinal explained it to me in such great detail that to this day I think if I watched one, I'd feel ready to do one on somebody else. If you ask my parents, they'll tell you that I kept saying after it was over, "It was exactly like she said it would be!"
I have been told the procedure for an EMG has been changed since 1995. I don’t trust that. Anyway.
So yesterday I decided that since I’ll be health insuranceless soon, I should get my health in order. With Nice Partner out of town for depositions, it was the perfect time to spend an afternoon making phone calls. There are some things that my learning disabilities don’t touch. The issue just doesn’t arise. Doctors and health insurance unfortunately don’t fall into that category.
Ever since I got slammed with a huge medical bill in Florida, for going to a cardiologist who wasn’t covered by insurance, I’m always very careful about who I’ll go to. Aside from my doctor phobias, there's another reason I seldom go to the doctor - I get lost easily. Just this afternoon my roommate gave me an address with the cross-streets. I looked it up on the map, hopped on the bus, and proceeded to get so lost that I ultimately had to take a cab, only to find out the place was around the corner from the hair salon I use.
You might think I should just take a cab any time I'm going somewhere, but I spend $45 on a fast pass dammit, and I want to get my money's worth! Plus, if I don't try, I'll never learn (my mother is beaming right now, because I wrote that).
I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that I had to ask the health insurance representative if she’d mind if I conferenced in my brother to help us, because she couldn’t help me, and I needed help. My brother found two doctors that sounded good. I wound up with an appointment for next Monday with a doctor in Union Square who went to Stanford undergrad and to medical school at UCLA. This is new for me. Has anyone else been able to get a first appointment so quickly? I assumed that they’d have no openings before July 4th.
After hanging up the phone with my brother to tell him that his hard work (okay hard for me, not so hard for other people) resulted in an appointment, I really wanted to cry. And take a nap. I know I’ll cry the morning of my doctor’s appointment. And possibly while I’m meeting with the doctor. And then, one last time, with relief when it’s all over. When I got back to my desk (I had gone into an empty office to privately deal with this doctor shit, knowing my tendency to cry) and resumed working, my left hand was actually shaking.
I’m never jealous of my friends who are in relationships. Except when I realize they always have somebody who would hold their hand at the doctor’s office if they needed it.
Honestly, if I didn’t know that I could get through a spinal tap so gracefully, I’d really hate myself over this fear of doctors crap. Umm ... anyone free Monday to hold my hand?
Labels: I'm Hurt, LD Strikes Again
posted by Green at 5/15/2007 08:20:00 PM
4 Comments:
If I weren't so far away, I'd gladly go to the doctor with you. And if you weren't so far away, I'd totally ask you to help me ask all the questions I know I should ask, but somehow can't get out.
Part of the reason I don't go to doctors much is that I dread finding a good one who is also covered by my insurance. I had ones I trusted and with whom I felt relatively comfortable, but they aren't on the plan the company switched to a year after I started here.
I still believe insurance is evil. A necessary evil, but evil nonetheless.
I had an EMG last year. Honestly, I didn't think it was bad at all. This was in the process of being diagnosed with MS. Being completely unaware of what was causing my problems (numbness), I think any sort of pain was much less concerning to me than what might be causing the numbness. Sorry you had such a bad experience!
I wonder about the layout of your page. I am lazy about scrolling, so why are the margins so narrow?
Thanks for asking Anon 10:36. I can't help but wonder if you mean "wide" rather than "narrow"? If so, the answer is, because that's how the person who designed my blog for me made them.
She may have had to do that because of the font size, I don't know. I do know I hate having to squint and lean forward when reading other people's blogs due to tiny font size so I told her I wanted mine to be big. But I don't know if one thing has to do with the other.
Regardless, I may talk with her about making the margins (the blue on either side) narrower than it is, to make it so more characters can fit on each line than do now. Lots to play with here. Changes are coming, please hang in there for a while with the scrolling.
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