Still Fucking Hating Yoga

Tonight there was a different yogi teacher. Last time it was a short man, today it was a tall woman. She spoke like a valley girl. I disliked her on sight (why yes, I do judge books by their covers, why do you ask?).

I was in a better headspace today and less prone to crying than I was on Monday night. I didn't need to call my friend for a pep-talk before going today.

Again, no wedgie - I think the key is wearing the right underwear. However, now I'm having a different clothing problem - pants! I stopped at Old Navy on Monday and bought a pair of black yoga pants. But I'm 5'4" (and a half), and the pants were about five feet long, so they dragged on the ground as I walked to and from yoga, and I was constantly stepping on them AT yoga. No good. Tonight I wore a pair of stretchy pants I've had since living in Florida and they're too short on me. I feel all Goldilocks with the pants issue. Anyway, moving on.

I'm prone to headaches, and two things that can inspire them are smells and overheating. Kinda sucks that you can smell the incense burning non-stop in the yoga place from the street. There are fans on the ceilings in the yoga room, but today is the third time I've been there and I've yet to see the fans turned on.

By chance, I happened to pick a spot on the floor right in front of some huge air thing (not a ceiling fan, but some square machine that pushed out air) and I got all excited when it kicked on... until the air hit me and it was WARM! This is not bikram yoga and I did not sign up for warm air. So gross.

This yogi chick didn't run the class the way the short guy did at all. First of all, I think any time you're teaching a class, if you see just ONE person who looks new or you don't recognize them, it'd be nice to throw your name out there. Just an idea, from me to you. YOGI LADY, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU! Second of all Yogi Lady, have you ever taken an acting class? In the most basic acting class you will be taught to never put your back to the audience. Now, especially since you were BARELY doing any of the poses you were throwing out, you really should not have kept walking to the back of the room. Never mind that we were all spread out in the front and middle of the room, okay? Thirdly, your special yoga/rasta music was too loud, and it'd have helped me out if I could hear you talk. Fourthly, talk a little slower, hmm? I can't say I've ever heard a Valley Girl talking at New York speed before, and coming from a teacher was not the right time to experience it. What would happen, between the music and the facing away from us and the talking too fast is we'd hear "Putyourlefthandaroundyourinnercalfofyourright ____________ and really FEEEEEEEL your inner thigh." Feel my inner thigh do what? Put my left hand where? WHAT'S GOING ON?! There were too many times when we were all looking around at each other, hoping somebody was doing something that looked right enough that we could copy them.

So Yogi Lady, let's review: face the people you're talking to, make sure you can be heard over whatever music you put on, speak slowly so people have time to follow your instructions, and tell your class what your name is, lest they name you YOGI LADY in their heads.

I was still hurting from Monday night's class when I got to yoga tonight, and right now I'm feeling fine. We'll see how well I can move tomorrow morning though. This downward dog / upward dog shit is hell on my wrists. They feel okay as soon as I stop yoga-ing (yogging?), but I don't see other people making "My wrists hurt" faces in class.

Last time, the laying on the floor thing towards the end of class annoyed me. This time, I kind of liked it - it lets me know the end is near. I still don't get the group nap though, nor do I like it. It really hurts my lower back to lay on the floor that way. Plus, I'm one of those people who should never be allowed to get bored - my imagination runs wild. So when we're all laying there, breathing, with the lights out, and Yogi Lady tells the class to move our arms over our heads and feel the power, all of a sudden I'm picturing Sheera, Princess of Power, standing on top of a mountain doing yoga. This not laughing thing is so hard.

Another time when I had to put effort into not laughing? When it was nap time and some guy was doing his own "closing poses" and he fell down.

At the end of the class, after we all bowed our heads and thanked each other for the compassion we transferred around, Yogi Lady said that her name was Lila, if anyone wanted to come up and talk with her. What if we didn't want to talk with her? Then was her name Julie?

I folded up my mat and tried to zoom out of there, and as I turned around from putting my mat away (I borrow theirs; I'm not buying a damn yoga mat), Yogi Lady is standing in front of me. I think she meant to encourage me, for being the fattest and least flexible person in there, but what came out was her telling me she understand that it's hard for me because she has mutations on her back. Huh? I thanked her and she told me to just keep coming three times a week and I was doing great. Okay, if you say so.

Still fucking hate yoga even if I did great though.

UPDATE: I hurt much less today than I did the morning after my last class. Maybe I'm getting better? (And this is why I will suffer through three months of yoga.)